The Wilderness

Blogging, I’ve realised, is my way of paying tribute to the emotional and personal milestones to my life. It is a diary of my personal development – my mental, emotional, and spiritual growth.

Here’s the thing: I didn’t post anything for almost 2 years because I “didn’t feel like it” at the time. In hindsight, I realise it is because I was in the middle of a story, and it wasn’t the right time. Today, I am finally ready and able to talk about it all. I am furiously typing away, because I just have so much to say.

First – a quick update to tie off the last blog regarding my goals from 2018:

1. I did work on my self-compassion. It is still very much a work in progress, but I made good initial steps in recognising my needs and now I’m much more in tune with my triggers.
2. I did enjoy my last year of being a student. It was fantastic. It was one of the most stress-free years ever. I learnt a lot, I did well, but I also had fun. I went to Shanghai for my elective, I went to Kerikeri for my rural GP placement, I had an amazing bunch of classmates to guide me through my year. Even preparing for long case was fun with them. I graduated and I’m now working as a doctor.
3. I did exercise regularly. I ran my first 5kms ever. I am currently pursuing other forms of exercise that does not involve running.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way… let’s begin.

2019 so far has been one of the saddest, sickest, most emotional years I’ve ever had. It has been filled with so much growing. I hate how much pain and suffering I’ve been in, but I also acknowledge that it is completely necessary to my becoming.

Moses and I broke up in July this year. It broke me completely, and I felt it over, and over, and over again. I reached my rock bottom, and the very pit of sadness. There were many factors contributing to our break-up. I tell people it was the long distance and both of us realising that we needed to let go of each other to follow our dreams in a very La La Land ending. It is part of the story but there is also more than that too. I don’t want to go into every detail because it doesn’t matter anymore, but here are the things that I know to be completely true:

1. I gave everything I had to the relationship. I tried my best. We both did.
2. I have full faith in the integrity of all my intentions. Everything I said, or did, always came from a good place in my heart and meant well.
3. I ultimately remained true to myself. This relationship required a lot of courage, vulnerability, self-awareness, patience, tolerance, love, and I believe I did all of the above. He taught me a lot about the world, and about myself, and for that I am very grateful.

To be honest, it is hard to be grateful when I’m sobbing and feeling incredibly, incredibly sorry for myself. I was – for lack of a better term – a fucking mess. I use the word ‘was’ quite generously because it was only yesterday that I required yet another box of tissues for my snot and tears – and who knows when I might next require it again. My body gave up and I became febrile and tachycardic before he flew back to Singapore after saying goodbye. My heart felt like it was literally broken. I was in physical pain. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. And then my body would make more tears and I would be surprised I could cry even more. IT WAS NOT A GOOD TIME.

Can I describe break-ups as ‘loving’? I feel like this one was. We mutually decided it was for the best – that he should remain in Singapore and pursue his photography dreams while I did my thing in New Zealand. We didn’t want to leave each other but knew that it had to be done. It wouldn’t have been healthy to stay together. It wouldn’t have been right. He had already booked his flights to Auckland long before our decision to part ways, and we decided we would spend one last week to say goodbye and tie off loose ends. I’m glad he came, but it definitely prolonged the grieving process. I don’t know why I choose the path of more suffering but it felt like the right thing to do for us in this instance. We had a good time together, we had many frank discussions, we laughed together and cried together. Sending him off to the airport and seeing him disappear beyond the gate after one last hug was excruciating. But it is a memory that has been imprinted forever, whether I like it or not.

The growing pains are real. Coming to this uncomfortable yet necessary decision together was extremely difficult. Have you ever wanted to un-see something? It was like that. I thought we’d end up together, but once the truth hit me suddenly… I knew we had to say goodbye. Telling and living your truths require a hell of a lot of courage. Many people will convince themselves to believe comforting lies to avoid dealing with real problems. That’s when the monsters build up. That’s ultimately not the life I choose for myself. I wish to live a life that is authentic to myself by being open to my own vulnerabilities and fears. And I walked the talk.

Since this was such an amicable break-up, I thought it would be alright if we were still friends. Not the ‘talking to each other everyday’ type of thing, but occasionally catching up here and there. I still liked his Instagram posts. I still watched his Instagram stories. He would message me from time to time, and I would do the same. I thought it would be a good idea. If my life was a movie, the narrator would be saying “this was not a good idea” right about now. IT WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA. Yes, it was an amicable break-up. Yes, we don’t have any ill feelings towards each other. Yes, we still wish each other well. Yes, I am happy to hear from him. But it made me live in the past. I was physically separated from him, but mentally and emotionally, I was holding onto the remnants of the past. It is NOT REAL anymore. I found myself missing him a lot. It did not help me move on. I ended up dreaming about him and in my dreams we were still together and I’d wake up and it would all be gone. I still had feelings for him. It was not healthy. I knew I needed to let go, again.

It was his birthday yesterday. I think this special date subconsciously gave me a lot of pressure because I knew I would be wishing him happy birthday – it was what we agreed upon at the airport before he left. I promised I’d message him on his birthday at the very least. I sent him a very long birthday message. But I also told him I would be saying goodbye for the foreseeable future. A real goodbye. I couldn’t do it anymore. It has been more than a month since he left, and I’m still so raw. Seeing him online and seeing his Instagram posts doesn’t help. I was still in a relationship with the ghost of him that I couldn’t let go of. I needed to go cold-turkey. I deleted my Instagram, and deactivated my Facebook. I want to be alone for a little while, and live life off the grid. Maybe that’s why I came back to blogging because I’ve always treasured my blog as a corner of my authenticity on the Internet, with my loyal following of less than 5 readers. I love it. I love the openness and non-judgemental nature of blogging. I’m not doing this for anyone else – not for attention, not because I want to prove anything. It’s liberating.

So, here we are. I’m back. I’m broken. I’m braving the wilderness.

I know that I’ve been in so much pain lately, but it was really because it was such a beautiful relationship and I’m sad about the loss. Even if I knew how it would all end, I would still choose to do it again. Moses was a great boyfriend to me. He is kind, funny, generous, intelligent, and courageous. He is someone who is living a life so true to himself. I’ve never seen anyone else quite like him. He’s living life on his own terms, and although now I realise that his vision isn’t eventually where I see my own life going, I respect him completely for what he is doing. He’s been the greatest partner and teacher to me for the past two years. We’ve been on so many adventures, had so many great times together. So many laughs, and so much great food too. He showed me a different slice of life. He challenged me, and was the catalyst for so much growth. I am so grateful for our time together. I will always treasure it and I know he’ll always be special to me.

Yet, I also know I must leave. At least for the time-being, at least until the feelings have cooled down and until I’m ready face him again, someday in the future. I know it is necessary for my own mental health. It is SO hard to leave someone who had been an integral part of my life for the past few years. Even though we were already physically apart, it just didn’t work for me to keep in touch. It was like coming back to a flame that kept burning me. The feelings are too strong. I couldn’t do it, because every time we talked, it was a cruel reminder of what we lost. So I broke my own heart once again.

I’m so proud of myself for following through. It was not easy. I’m the kind of person that HAS to live my truths, since authenticity is one of my core values. Once I know I’m not living with my whole heart towards something, and once I know something isn’t good for me, I need to leave. I’m proud of myself for having the courage to do so, and the resilience to live with my decisions. I know I did the right thing. I know it was right for both of us to say goodbye. This marks the end of a season of my life. I used to hate endings but I know that endings are necessary to make more room for other things in my life. I’ve lived this chapter already. I have suffered enough. It is time to let go.